Female Trouble (1974)

Directed by John Waters

Stars: Divine, Mink Stole, Edith Massey, David Lochary, Michael Potter, Mary Vivian Pearce

"I wouldn't suck your lousy dick even if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!"

The erudite line above was shouted by a "child" in the film, who later dies by strangulation at the hands of her mother. Any sense of how sick this puppy is now? Just read on if you need further proof.

You know you're in for a wild ride when the opening titles start and you hear Divine's distinct voice warbling the theme song. Nothing can adequately prepare you for what you're about to see. The best  I can say is keep a barf bag handy, you'll need it!

Divine is Dawn Davenport, juvenile delinquent. Dawn and her friends are the big haired, tight skirted terrors of the school. Dawn's aspirations in life are to own a pair of cha-cha heels and to become famous. When the cha-cha heels don't appear under the Christmas tree, Dawn runs away from home and promptly has sex in the woods with a slob who picks her up. (Divine plays both characters!?!) This has to be one of the most disgusting sex scenes ever, but it's shot seamlessly. Of course, as a result of this nasty encounter, Dawn ends up pregnant.

Dawn gives birth to her child in a squalid hotel room, biting through the umbilical cord afterwards. Ugh! John Waters is not called the Prince of Puke for nothing!
Our hefty heroine works as a waitress, dancer, prostitute, and thief to support her daughter. Little Taffy is a terrible brat of course. After they tie Taffy to the bed, one of Dawn's friends remarks, "I'm glad I had an abortion!"

Next we meet Dawn's neighbor, Aunt ida. Nothing I can say will prepare you for her appearance. Ida argues with her nephew Gator because he isn't gay. She thinks gays are just better and worries that Gator will end up married to a hetero and working in an  office!

Dawn and Gator eventually marry. The wedding is one you won't forget, even though it's only shown briefly. That dress! Married life is rocky for our couple, to Aunt Ida's delight. Taffy hates both of her parents, but now at 14 is tough enough to deal with them. She simply threatens to call the police if they don't give in to her demands for money.

The Dashers, the eccentric owners of the Lipstick Beauty Salon, ask Dawn to take part in their beauty experiment.  They feel the more heinous a crime is, the more beautiful the criminal becomes. After Dawn's face is horribly disfigured by acid (courtesy of Aunt Ida) Dawn becomes their crime model (with a little help from the "liquid eyeliner" the Dashers inject into her!) It all culminates in a bizarre stage performance/bloodbath, and Dawn's execution in the 'lectric chair.

OMFG, this is truly one of the most insane movies I have ever seen. I loved every second of it. Certainly not to everyone's tastes, I only recommend the early John Waters films to the more daring film lover who has a cast iron stomach and an appreciation for the absurd. 

Female Trouble
$2.99
Starring Divine, David Lochary, Mary Vivian Pearce, Mink Stole, Edith Massey