FADE TO BLACK (1980)

Directed by Vernon Zimmerman

Stars: Dennis Christopher, Tim Thomerson, Linda Kerridge, Mickey Rourke

"NOBODY pushes Cody around!!"

Watch this instructional video and master Eric Binford's easy 12-Step Program to a Short Unsuccessful Life. An excellent plan to lose friends and influence nobody.

1. Watch classic cult films obsessively.

2. Smoke too much; sleep too little.

3. Work in an oppressive, hostile environment.

4. Fixate on a certain dead blonde bombshell to a disturbing degree.

5. Refuse the notion that fore-mentioned dead blonde bombshell is D-E-A-D.

6. Live with a freaky "aunt" who loves back rubs (ewwww...) Push her wheelchair bound ass down a flight of stairs as soon as possible.

7. Dress up as Dracula, watch Night of the Living Dead, murder foul-mouthed streetwalker. OK, accidentally murder the whore, but definitely drink her blood on purpose.

8. Put on your Hopalong Cassidy duds and pokerize jerky co-worker.

9. Mummy shuffle your boss to death.

10. Bust some rapid caps gangsta style in a Hollywood producer's chest area. Take that you dirty rat!

11. Drug a dizzy blonde bombshell wanna be and flee to Mann's Chinese Theater.

12. Die.

I've heard this system works. I can't post any testimonials though (see Step 12.)